Is my Newborn Baby Invited to the Wedding ? A Guide for Guests
77Receiving a wedding invitation to a friend or family member's wedding is an exciting moment!
However, it can also be a confusing moment for those with (or expecting) a young baby. "Is my baby invited to the wedding?" is a question with which breastfeeding mothers will be especially concerned. This guide will help you handle this situation according to U.S. wedding etiquette.
Example of envelope wording where baby is invited:
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Johnson,
Mr. James Johnson
According to the rules of etiquette…
The names on the envelope will indicate to whom the invitation was addressed. On a properly addressed wedding invitation, the names of invited guests would be explicitly shown1, according to the Emily Post Institute (premier U.S. etiquette experts). Therefore, if your baby is invited, his or her name should appear on the envelope below your names2. If only you and your spouse's name are listed, then your baby is not invited.
Not all situations are made clear
However, it is true there are some instances which are not made clear. These instances would include:
- Ambiguously addressed invitations: If your invitation is addressed for example to 'The Johnsons', then it is not clear who is invited. In this case it would be acceptable to ask the bride for clarification.
- A genuine oversight on the part of the bride: In some cases where the baby's name is not listed, it is possible that the bride has simply not recalled the new baby when addressing invitations. This is more likely to happen if the baby was not yet born at the time that the invitations were addressed, or if you happen to know that other children have been invited. In such cases it would also be acceptable to ask the bride for clarification of who was invited on your invitation.
Have YOUR say!
Do you think babies and children should be invited to weddings?
See results without votingIf you want to check with the bride...
Be as considerate as possible; don't put a bride on the spot by asking 'can I bring my baby to your wedding?' Instead, simply explain that you wish to understand for whom the invitation is meant so that you can send in your RSVP.
As a tactful way of being explicit, you can just say that you assumed the invitation didn't include the baby but you weren't sure if you were correct and wanted to check with her. This gives the bride an easy 'out'.
If your baby wasn't invited, and you are breastfeeding
Breastfeeding mothers are right to be concerned about what decision to make regarding wedding attendance if baby isn't invited. Because the mother's milk supply depends on baby feeding at frequent intervals, it is not always desirable or even possible to leave the baby with a sitter, especially if the wedding venue is far away.
Yet, it is still not appropriate to bring a baby to a wedding if baby isn't invited. Mothers in these situations have two main options:
- Don't attend the wedding at all. It is perfectly understandable for you to stay home with a newborn.
- Attend the wedding without baby, but leave earlier than most guests. Get a trusted sitter for baby (and leave a supply of expressed milk).
Don't take it personally if baby isn't invited
If it turns out baby isn't invited, be assured this is not a slight against you. The bride and groom are free to choose the type of wedding they want; this may include an adult atmosphere or simply a minimum of noise during the ceremony.
Some brides will make exceptions to include breastfeeding newborns even if they are having an otherwise child-free wedding, (if you plan to ask, use the tactful method described earlier). Yet there is no obligation etiquette-wise or otherwise for brides to make any exceptions to an adults-only wedding, and likewise, you are under no obligation to attend.
Surprisingly, it may happen that a bride set on having an adults-only wedding might choose a bridesmaid with (or expecting) a baby!3,4 Ideally, the question of whether the baby may attend should have been discussed by both parties early on. Unfortunately, this problem often remains unclear until the invitations are issued.
If you're a bridesmaid whose baby isn't invited
If you are a bridesmaid who has just found out that her baby isn't invited, then the bride has put you in the uneasy position of 'expecting' your attendance at the wedding without allowing you to bring your baby. This is a situation where you should ask the bride straight out if she is willing to make an exception to allow you to bring your baby. If she says no, and if you are not comfortable with leaving baby with a sitter, it's quite acceptable for you to walk away from the situation by telling her you are just not able to be a bridesmaid anymore.
Conclusion
It is always exciting to receive a wedding invitation from a friend or family member. A properly addressed invitation envelope will let you know whether your baby is invited to the wedding. In situations when this information is not clear, it is permissible to ask the bride to clarify who is included on your invitation so you can RSVP properly.
Regardless of whether or not baby is invited, it is a mark of the bride and groom's relationship with you that they sent you an invitation to their special day. Join in the celebrations in person if you are able or in spirit if not!
© 2011 Giselle Maine
Cited sources
1. Emily Post Institute "Addressing Wedding Invitations" on the Emily Post Etipedia
2. Emily Post Institute "Guests" on the Emily Post Etipedia
3. Judith Martin "Miss Manners: Bridesmaid's Newborn Baby Not Welcome?" MSN Lifestyle
4. March 2009 Birth Club "In bridal party…but baby not invited to wedding…help!" BabyCenter
You may also like to hear the bride's point of view:
- Should a Newborn be Invited to a Wedding? The Bride's Guide.
The question of whether children or babies should be invited to a wedding is a very personal one and should reflect the bride and groom's ideas. The etiquette of whether to make an exception for a newborn baby at an adults-only wedding is discussed h
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Hi moonlake, thanks for sharing your daughter's wedding situation. It sounds like it all went well in the end. And yes, I agree it is funny when people who don't want children at their wedding get upset when they become parents & their children are not invited!
You definitely should not take it personally if baby isn't invited. Nowdays many people decide to celebrate their birthdays and weddings without children.
Hi bestforbride, thanks for your insights & for mentioning some of the current trends. I totally agree with you about not taking it personally.
Oh, etiquette sure gets difficult when newborns are involved. Great Hub!
Hi Simone, I totally agree that things can get complicated etiquette-wise when considering the needs of babies. Thanks for stopping by & commenting.
You bring up interesting questions. My kids are grown (or least working towards it), but when they fussed a bit in public and I received "those" looks -- I thought -- you used to be a baby OR what/how do you think your baby will behave?
Hi Sally, it's great to hear from you. Yes kids *are* unpredictable as to when they fuss. I have 2 little ones of my own so I can definitely empathize with your memories!
Because of this unpredictability, I chose not to bring my 2 to a wedding they were recently invited to (instead we RSVP'd for my husband to go but not me or the kids - I was grateful to the bride that she invited the kids though). Having said that, I think it's important for us moms to bring our kids to public settings like grocery stores, libraries etc, otherwise how will we train our kids to behave in those settings if we never let them go there?!
The one place I learned to sit still and quiet when I was a child was in church. It did help whenever I was taken to a wedding or a funeral.
Tammy
Hi Tammy, thanks for your comment. It's helpful to have your perspective here on young children. Although, depending on the age of the child, some simply may not understand that they have to be quiet (e.g. a baby). However, it's good to hear that you did find it helpful as a child when you had opportunities at church to learn to sit still and quiet.
Nice hub! I invited children to my wedding, but mostly because I had so many young cousins! It was actually not bad at all. In church, many of the youngest children were brought down to a sitting area outside of the sanctuary where there was a TV for the adults to watch. At the reception, there would have been a yard for them to play in (if it had not rained)and I had a table set up with all sorts of playthings for them. Everyone had a great time. I realize this isn't ideal for every bride, but it worked for me.
Hi PracticalMommy, thanks for reading & commenting. You had some really fantastic ideas there as a bride for making children welcome while providing helpful distractions for them to ensure they didn't get disruptive during your ceremony or reception.
Giselle, I have to say this hub brings to mind my own wedding and my opinion has changed radically from that selfish time! Or perhaps not, now that I think of it...
I provided a well-attended nursery for all young children and babies, including the flower girls I had enter the sanctuary about half way into the wedding. (I adored my two nieces, but they were under two. I wanted them in the wedding, but not picking their noses at an inappropriate time.) We had ushers tell parents the nursery was available and would they please leave their children off before entering the sanctuary. Of course the children were more than welcome at the dance!
My service had been carefully planned to the last detail (by me) and was a combination of readings and a musical review of sorts- I included music from classical to folk. The choir that sang most numbers were members from my college choir and I was thrilled that they all agreed to sing. In fact, it was like an amazing concert and so beautiful that I remember feeling let down when the last number was sung.
Had a baby cried in the middle of it all, I would have been most annoyed. Brides are not always kind, nor sensitive to the needs of others, I am afraid.
I think perhaps this insensitivity goes both ways, however. It also might behoove a guest to consider how she might have felt, had a baby cried through her vows or candle lighting or personalized sermon. Weddings are once in a lifetime moments and perhaps the only day in a bride's life where she is the center of attention. As a guest, I would not even want to sneeze at the wrong moment!
Selfish or not, I raised three children whom I adore. I had to correct my statement that my feelings changed radically, upon considering my reaction to a baby sobbing through one of their weddings. I really think it is a matter of honoring the bride. She is usually so on edge and for good reason. Once my kids came into the world, it was never about me again and that was perfectly fine. I had had my day in the sunshine!
Sorry if I sound so awful. I am really a nice person, lol!
Hi storytellersrus, thanks for sharing your perspective. It sounds like you had a beautiful, well-planned wedding. By the way, I don't think you were selfish at all regarding children. Arranging for a well-attended nursery for the kids is actually a very generous and thoughtful way on your part of ensuring you had a noise-free ceremony, while still allowing kids to join in the celebrations during the reception.
It is a lot of effort and extra expense to arrange to have a church nursery open and attended during a wedding; so I certainly don't think anyone would call you insensitive to the needs of parents! Also, anxious parents then are freed from the worry of keeping their child absolutely quiet in church - a win-win situation.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, and for explaining the bride's perspective so carefully.
I've never attended a Christian wedding, and I would really love to, someday. I have seen pictures and read so many books featuring weddings, where at one point pin drop silence is required. But never before today did I consider it from this angle - you know what, marriages at our place are so noisy :) We've to think about covering the Babies' ears to protect them - it's completely the other way round. So I smiled when I read the title.
Generally ceremonies of marriage here will be conducted in open air areas, or large halls - full of people gossiping (specially females) about the bride's jewellery along with discussing each others attires. :)
And then there would be music - loud or subtle, depending on the taste of the family.
But off course this does not cover whole India, there are places/religions which have quiet ceremonies too. :)
A great hub, Giselle, and great advice. Although not directly applicable, I can still find so many similar analogous situations to co-relate where planning from many perspectives is required.
Hi Anusha, I was fascinated to hear about the very different celebratory style of a traditional Indian wedding. After reading your comment I could see why you found it funny that pin drop silence is required at certain points in Christian weddings, compared with your mention about covering babies' ears! From your description I am sure your weddings must have so much joy in them - not just of the bridal couple, but among all the wedding guests. What a wonderful atmosphere that must be! Thanks for giving me this glimpse into wedding ceremonies in India.
I would love to read more about Indian weddings if you are ever planning a hub on that topic. That type of hub would also be extremely useful to people who have been invited to a traditional Indian wedding but are not of that culture themselves and would like to know what to do, and of course how to avoid etiquette blunders.
I was thrilled to get your valuable comment here which gives readers an insight into how wedding traditions can be so diverse and unique between different religions and different parts of the world.
Hey Giselle, was glad to read your reply. A little clarification - I didn't find it funny that pin drop silence is required, I understand and appreciate that. You know even we have some moments at marriages which are so serene, people have tears in their eyes - but these guys don't stop singing, lol!! I mean, imagine, they're crying and singing at same time :)
You're right, it's hell lot of fun, we have at least 4-5 different ceremonies where dancing is sort of mandatory (different styles of dance) and guess what, a typical/economical/upgraded version of our marriages' ceremonies would last from about 3 to 5 days :D Mine was an inter-cast marriage so with reduced ceremonies it was 3 days. :)
You've given me a good idea, it would be great to describe an Indian wedding, will think of writing a hub sometime.
Hi Anusha, I completely understand that you were being respectful of another culture. I guess it would have been more accurate for me to say that after I read your comment, *I* found it funny that pin drop silence is required! It gave me a whole other perspective that I'd never had before! And this is why I really enjoy your comments: I always get to look at things from a new angle. Wow, I was amazed to hear the length of your ceremonies... 3 days, even with reduced ceremonies! My wedding was less than an hour long (although the reception followed soon after and that went for many hours into the evening).
moonlake Level 7 Commenter 13 months ago
Our daughter didn't want children at her wedding. Her Dad said no children no money.
She later realized that it was so much easier for children to be at the wedding. People will bring their kids even if their names are not on the invite. It is almost better for a bride to put inside the invitation. NO CHILDREN
I had to laugh after she had children she would get so upset when they weren't invited to weddings.
Enjoyed your hub.